


how The Killing Joke probably went in ASBAR universe

by ArgentNoelle



Series: badfic [2]
Category: All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder - Frank Miller (Comics), Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Killing Joke (Comics)
Genre: F/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23938591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentNoelle/pseuds/ArgentNoelle
Summary: literally. how The Killing Joke probably went in ASBAR universe. warning for ASBAR universe. Parody? I guess?
Relationships: Batman/Joker, Joker/random women, other not mentioned because of spoilers
Series: badfic [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1907740
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	how The Killing Joke probably went in ASBAR universe

“I hate good cops,” Joker said. He frowned, and stared outside at the rain. It was raining, and the rain streaked down the window of his hideout. He should have been in Arkham but he’d broken out and gotten a poor shmuck to replace him. “I hate all cops, because they’re so useless, the Gotham ones I mean. Everyone knows that. But I hate good cops because they _aren’t_ useless, they’re good. They’re like a glimpse of what humanity could be, if everything wasn’t so f—d up. It’s damn depressing.” He had his henchperson around but he really wasn’t talking to them. He was monologuing. None of his henchpeople were smart enough to understand the problem he had. That’s not why he kept them around. He kept them around to get rid of bodies when he killed people. And draw attention away from himself when he needed to sneak out the back door.

“And the cop that I hate most of all is Commissioner James Gordon,” Joker said. “Why? Because he’s a better cop than the rest? No. Because he’s friends with the Goddamn Batman and I’m not.” Joker turned to the woman beside him he’d just been sleeping with, even though that was boring.

“What do you think?” he said.

“Wow, that sounds harsh,” said the woman.

He was going to kill her anyway but he killed her now because of how unhelpful she was being.

While his henchperson got rid of the body Joker said to himself, “I’m going to ruin Gordon’s life. I’m going to wreck it. It’s gonna be wrecked. And I know just how to do it. I’ll go after his DAUGHTER.”

Meanwhile The Goddamn Batman trudged through the goddamn rain on the way to Arkham. He hadn’t thought of parking closer to the entrance until he got out of the car. And if he got in again to drive up it would ruin his aura of MYSTIQUE. So he didn’t.

He walked through like he OWNED the place. Which he did. It was NICE. Gloomy and full of rats. Just like home. Only thing it was missing was a giant dinosaur. Maybe he could convince the doctors to put one in the foyer.

He needed to have a talk with Joker.

“I’ve been thinking, Joker,” he growled, flinging the door open.

Joker didn’t say anything but that was pretty par for the course. Joker was probably the grimmest serial-killing psychopath he’d ever met.

“I’ve been thinking we’re going to kill each other. We’ll kill each other. It’s inevitable.” Joker was sitting with his face out of the only ray of light in the room and it made Batman suspicious. Usually Joker was all over him whenever Batman came along. He just had that EFFECT on people. Women, Superhero women, Supervillain women, and Joker. They wanted to f— him. THAT’S how cool he was.

“Are you deaf or something?” Batman said. “I said we’ll have to KILL each other if we don’t think of a better way to deal with our issues. I met a therapist once and she said it was good to talk out your issues so that’s what I want to do. What do you say, Joker?”

Batman got tired of Joker just sitting there reading _War and Peace_ so he got up and slapped Joker’s face. But then he STARED! Joker just fell over because he was a corpse. No, not just a corpse. A corpse with white face-paint on. IT WASN’T THE JOKER!

“You lousy doctors don’t you know a damn corpse when you see one?” Batman yelled as everyone stared in shock and he billowed out of Arkham feeling like he wanted to MURDER someone.

It was still raining. He walked toward his batmobile but he got rain in his boots before he took three steps.

Joker knocked on the door to Gordon’s house. Barbara answered it. Gordon was out talking to Sarah, the only woman in Gotham who understood him. When Barbara saw him her eyes widened. “It’s the Joker!” she said.

“Yeah, it’s the Joker,” Joker snapped. “But that’s not important. I don’t have THAT much of an ego. I know I’ve killed a lot of people but today I just saw you walking in the rain on the way to buy groceries and I thought about how HOT you were and I came here to bang you. Unless you don’t like that idea in which case I’m sure my disturbing henchperson will be willing to think up something worse.”

“Eww, no way,” said Barbara, but when Joker took of his shirt and she saw his awesome dragon tattoo she reconsidered and they had mad passionate sex right there in the living room. But then Barbara remembered he was a serial killer and his M.O. was killing women after he’d slept with them. “No f—ing way I’m letting that happen to me!” she thought. She reached around with one hand while Joker sat up to start monologuing about Gotham in the rain, whatever, she really wasn’t paying attention. And she found a glue stick that her dad used to do his weird crime collages and threw it straight at Joker’s eye and when he cursed and leaped at her she beat him up with the glass coffee table.

“Maybe THAT will make you think TWICE about being so SEXIST, you jerk!” she said, and then dragged him outside and dumped him in the trash. Then she went inside and locked her door.

Batman was still on the way to his batmobile. The rain was getting into his eyes like tears, and mud squelched under his boots. It felt like he’d been walking for HOURS. No, it felt like he’d been walking for YEARS. DECADES.

Joker finally made it out of the trash and scowled. It rained on him. Water dripped down the side of the building. He was glad he’d at least gotten to put on some pants before that b— defenestrated him. He walked to an abandoned amusement park because it reminded him of his woes. He sat inside and talked to his henchpeople, telling them some story about how he used to have a wife and was happy. It was total bullshit, of course. It was a METAPHOR.

Batman finally made it to his Batmobile and raced around the city trying to find Joker. On the way he beat up like twenty bad cops and set some things on fire and had a showdown with Superman. Alfred called to tell him he’d missed dinner (again). Batman called Robin to ask if he’d finished painting the new cruise ship he’d bought yesterday, and Robin (the brat) told him he’d run out of paint.

“Then BUY more,” the Goddamn Batman roared.

Then Batman found Joker in his hideout on Amusement Mile. He knew it was Joker’s because it was the grimmest, dourest amusement park he’d ever seen. It was GRIM and GRITTY.

“This guy has no sense of humor,” Batman said, feeling sorry for him.

Batman got out and went in to confront the Joker. He carried a couple of guns with him in case he got tired of talking and decided to just shoot him and rid himself of a pain in the ass and a serial killer plaguing Gotham City. But he probably wouldn’t end up shooting him, because unfortunately Joker was a costumed lunatic just like him and they had an UNDERSTANDING. He couldn’t trust anyone else to save him from fleets of mind-controlled sharks, after all. Plus it was good insurance for if the Superheroes ever decided to wipe him out, he could become a villain. Joker would have to be the sidekick though.

Maybe Joker and Robin could have a fight to the death and see who won.

He showed up and Joker was there, looking glum, sitting on a throne next to a lot of CORPSES but that didn’t bother Batman. He was used to it.

“Hey Joker I was thinking how you and me are the same,” said Batman. “How we’ll probably kill each other or something. And I was wondering why you have no f—ing sense of humor. It’s not good for you. You see the world is a joke and nothing in life makes sense. I know that ‘cause I’m insane, well halfway anyway, and you are too (obviously) because you’ve been to Arkham. So why don’t you see the funny side?”

Joker sighed in abject misery. “I can’t,” he said. “And I’m not insane, I’m a f—ing hitman. I literally bribed the jury to send me to Arkham instead of Death Row.”

“Sure, whatever, sweetheart,” Batman said dismissively. “I’m here to ask you a goddamn question, Joker. Answer the question!”

“What was the question again?” Joker said, disinterestedly.

“The question was,” Batman said, bristling (he would have punched Joker but Joker was sitting up like twenty steps on his throne and it wasn’t possible) WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING?!”

“Because I’ve heard it before,” Joker said. “When my metaphorical wife died in my arms with my metaphorically unborn child. And it wasn’t funny then either. It just wasn’t funny. It was the least funny thing I ever heard.”

“I think you just haven’t had enough bad days yet,” Batman said. “You know, I used to be like you, when I was a goddamn eight-year-old. But I grew up fast when my parents died. And then I LEARNED that all it takes is one bad day (or maybe a week or a month) to drive the sanest orphaned kid to lunacy. And I’ve proved it too. ROBIN,” he called, and Robin dropped down from nowhere and smiled manically at Joker.

“Hi, dumb psychopath,” he said.

“DON’T CALL ME STUPID!” Joker shouted, and pulled out two guns and tried to kill them _with both hands at once_ but Batman pulled out an exploding bat-grenade and threw it toward him and Joker jumped out of the way and his throne blew up and all the corpses caught on fire. Then Joker broke his leg on the landing and cursed.

“It took me hours to build that throne,” he said.

“Eh, I’ve seen better,” Robin said.

Batman laughed. He loved his job. Especially when he got to see Joker injured. It was almost as good as getting to kill him, which he wasn’t going to do, because he didn’t kill. Much.

“Come on, darling,” he said, grabbing Joker so he couldn’t run away. “I’m taking you back to Arkham. And if you resist I’ll break your neck.”

THE END


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